My Basic Nature

Sant Kabir das had said, “Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chalaa, Bura Na Miliya Koye, Jo Dil Khojo Aapna, Mujhsa Bura Na Hoye”.

Egoistic

I have some prominent traces of ‘me and mine’ attitude. It shows up at unexpected moments. To state a few examples; when people don’t like me or don’t trust me, I treat them with indifference. When I know that I don’t measure up to the situation, I avoid. I hold an image of myself as a person, who is truthful and fair, hard working and disciplined, highly qualified professional, reputed and respectable. This is only an image in my mind and not necessarily accurate and neither do I live up to it.

Afraid

I am afraid of; losing, being humiliated, being rejected, being not loved and respected, being not trusted, becoming a laughing stock, my father being angry with me, intruders in the dark and finally falling down the stairs.

Short tempered

I have a very short fuse when it comes to self preservation. Whenever a situation arises or could possibly arise in the future due to the movement of current events, and the situation could result in me losing face and reputation, then my reaction is only of anger. Being unable to manage the course of events, I get angry with everybody around. This happens often in my office.

With the dear and close ones, when they do something as a genuine expression of their love but which becomes slightly intruding into my personal zone, or when they do not listen to my advice due to their own compelling circumstances, I can’t contain my anger. I feel not respected or trusted.

Unable to face anger and criticism

I have not been able to accept criticism positively and constructively. The courage to face it, to learn to pick up the good points and ignore the rest was never taught to me and never occurred to me naturally. To me criticism equals rejection and rejection equals failure. This is also the reason why I fail so often.

Low self esteem

I find myself an unfit in the scheme of social life because I am not good at the profession of my choice, I was never good at school, I am not good with friends circle, I was not a good husband, I was not a good son and I suspect neither am I a good brother. Somehow all these seem alien to me as if I was never from here or maybe away from human society for too long.

Want to be loved

My grandmother loved me and that is all that I know about being loved. It is foolish and selfish but I wish to receive the same love from others. I want to be loved and accepted as I am, for whatever I am, with all my short comings. Sounds like a dream.

Poor at managing relationship

Being far too self centered I have never worked at maintaining relationships. It has always been that others have worked to maintain their relationship with me. Frankly I enjoy being center of attraction/attention and have also been accused of being an exhibitionist (showing off how weird I am), but this has never motivated me to understand myself from others view point or to understand what others want/expect from me.

Poor at expressions

Being an introvert makes expression of feelings very difficult. The need of expressing what is in the mind does not arise. The thought itself is alien. Seeing others using language to bring out whatever is inside their heart makes me jealous and inadequate. The only way I can counter this is by writing.

Lascivious

At the offset let me state that I have the highest respect for women, humans and all life forms.

This is the most immoral part of me. I have an excessive interest in sex by my own standards. I say that because I know everybody else has similar levels of interest and many people have more. Fantasizing and masturbating was major time pass for me. Observing adult female’s lecherously, commenting on their physique and participating in lewd talks with friends was common.

However I never had the inclination to translate my thoughts into action, it never occurred to me to do so and I really don’t know why. In fact I have been a miserable failure in this field to the detriment of one very special.

Always a good wisher

My intentions are always good and beyond doubt. This is the only thing about me which makes me happy that by nature I am not able to have bad thoughts for anybody. Even if people hurt me or harm me, knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally, I do not wish bad for them. Either I am neutral or I wish them well. The down side is that I normally don’t retaliate when people have wrong intentions and I do rather suffer silently. I have observed that even if I argue and discuss and gossip about people both negatively and positively, but my heart is always clean.

No craving for anything else - fine if there, fine if not

Very often I find myself indifferent towards events, people and desires. Though I am not a monk, sometimes my behaviour is akin to one. I have questioned myself many a times and especially when close person had equated my indifference to non-caring and disinterest. Infact whenever I have tried to change my nature and become a normal person with normal desires, I have succeeded in generating unhappiness, stress, tension and chaos in my life.

Not sharp but mediocre intelligent

I am not dumb but I know for sure that I am not smart at all. I am very mediocre very average. I face closed doors in my mind when seeking quick solutions, especially when I am working on mathematics. My mind refuses to think, break down the information and analyse. I keep reading the facts again and again. Very rarely in real life situation I come up with quick brilliant solutions and those moments I treasure.

Slow understanding

My grasping powers are very weak and it takes me a long time, stretching from one hour to one day, to understand facts presented in front of me. My mind does not register anything at that specific moment and only much later when the event replays itself, that I begin to understand.

Mind blank most of the time as if in search

I am a loner and like to be by myself. Many times I sit blank playing some imaginary movies in my mind. Most of the times such moments are expression less, sometimes with a smile on my face or with a sad face but doing absolutely nothing. It is as if I am in some trance or searching for some invisible thing in the air or trying to resolve a major international problem. People use their quite times to think over complicated problems but I simply waste it away.

Wandering and wavering mind

My mind is restless, it keeps moving from one topic to another very fast, staying for a few seconds on each topic before moving on. It goes from the past into the future and back. It moves from happy events to unhappy events and back. It does not stay in the present moment however hard I try.

Unable to hold ideas / subjects to its depths

Due to its restless nature, I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on a single subject and go into its depths. The moment I try doing this my mind flies. Sometimes reading magazines become difficult and especially when it is a professional journal. This inability to hold on to a topic to its depths is frustrating. At this age in my profession I should have become an expert on some subject but that has not happened. Another decade spent in a similar manner would make me redundant and old scrape.

Lazy disposition

I like just sitting and doing nothing. When I have to do some physical activity I like to do it slowly barring of course my morning walk. This is not deliberate but a very natural occurrence. The worry in my mind is about getting tired. Maybe the reality is that my mind and physical reflexes are slow like in some neurological disorders.

Money flows whenever needed by itself

I never carry cash on me and have never needed to. But cash is always present when some outflow situation presents itself. The coming of the outflow situation declares itself and cash comes into my wallet or bank and simply flows out again. I become just a conduit. My inference is that I may never have money stacked away but I will never be short of money.

Minimum expenses on self

I hate spending money on myself. My basic needs are very less and there are many people whose basic needs are not met. Today if I am able to earn something it is because life and society have allowed me to and I owe it back. I like to spend the money that I earn on issues that are important to me like children education (poor schools) and environment (green cover). I don’t seek recognition but only a personal satisfaction that money has been well spent.

Spiritual

Life is eternal energy. Names, forms and events are temporary. To be happy is the goal of life and self realisation is possible for every individual in their current life time. The key is control of the mind. Maybe this is the only reason why I am born a human.

Love trees and nature

It is like a part of my physical presence. Whenever trees vanish a part of me vanishes. Someone said that trees are like arms of mother earth raised in prayer to the powers above. All my childhood has been spent on a kaju tree. A huge old tree reminds me of a wise sage who holds vast knowledge of many mysteries of nature inside it. Sometimes I also feel that I must have lived on trees for many centuries and life times.

Conclusion

There are a number of contradictions in my character and that fact is also true that I am a bunch of contradictions.