WHAT AN EGO!

I was in Penn, Khopoli, and Alibagh the last week on some audit work. The client has a small office there looking after some infrastructure project along with guest house for their staff. I had stayed in the Penn guesthouse before and therefore when they asked what arrangements to make for me I told them that the guest house would be fine enough.

However when I reached the guest house I found that it was full and I was given to share a room with another staff member. Two parallel thoughts were going on inside me. One track said that I could not possibly stay in a room occupied by a stranger, I am the auditor and deserve some privacy and an independent room, how could I share the room with people who I am supposed to audit, if I stayed with them then I would become one of them and they would not listen to me, the staff will laugh at me if I degrade myself like this and stay with them. The other track in my mind said that, I have not caused this to happen and if it has happened on its own then there must be a good reason which I should accept quietly, I am not going to become less of an auditor by staying with common client staff, whatever happens always happens for the good, this is only a temporary arrangement and I have to leave the next day so why make an issue of it.

I could observe and hear both these voices. Both were trying to tell the other to give up, both were telling the other that it was more powerful. I said to myself that “Look I am a Vipassana student, so such temporary things do not affect me”. I told myself sternly that I am going to stay in the guest house without any fuss. The moment I reached the office I found myself tell the Accounts Manager that I would not like to stay in the guest house. He rearranged my stay at a nearby lodge but in the night when I reached there I did not like the look of the room. Finally they shifted me to a better hotel which I found acceptable. Oh what an ego! How difficult it is to overcome the grip of ego! I lay disturbed that night and am still not able to believe what I have done.

On the last leg of the tour I was at Kalyan and was required to reach the airport by 5.30 pm to catch the 6.40 pm flight back to Nagpur. I started from Kalyan which was at a distance of 60 kms from the airport at 3.30 pm with a comfortable margin of 2 hrs to reach. On the way there was a massive traffic jam and I could reach the airport only at 6.30 pm and thus missed the flight. All through the way I found myself irritated and agitated with the way the journey had turned out. One part of me was saying that, “how does it matter, even if I miss the flight I can catch the next one, or possibly take a hotel room for the night and catch the next morning flight. The client would foot the expenditure and I am not going to lose anything.” But the agitation inside did not stop. I received a phone call during this time but told the person to hang up since I was in no mood to talk. I was observing the antics of my ego and was helpless in front of it.

Both these incidents left me feeling very weak and not man enough. I could see my ego but could do nothing to control it. I have learned a lot from this episode and hope to gather the courage to face it the next time around and win. Mr. Sudhir Soman said that if I had not bothered about the delay taking place and just had accepted the turn of events as normal, focused on the scenery or on meditation; I could have decreased its strength and could have been in time for the flight. Dr. Aniruddha Gurjalwar says that Tapasya means to do exactly the opposite of what your mind tells you. To be able to fight off the overtures of the mind with faith and belief is essential to extinguish ones ego and move towards liberation.