What is this life supposed to be? What am I supposed to do with myself? Seems like a very stupid question. A normal person would say just enjoy each day as it comes, live in the present and don’t worry about any hidden meaning or purpose, there are none. Somebody wise would say, find out what interests you and involve all your energy into it, make every minute count. Someone ambitious would say, go for the stars and you will at least reach the moon. Definitely sounds like a dumb question to ask especially when you know all the answers. Of course I know all these answers but they are good enough for others not for me. None of these answers work for me.
I seem to fall into some sort of no man’s land. I don’t belong anywhere. The profession that I am in is not my natural environment. I am clueless most of the time about what is going on around me and what should be my regular and normal response. I can say this with conviction because I have seen professionals who have a near perfect hang of the direction in which the wind blows and their mind works like a Swiss watch, asking the right question and being at the right place with the right contact. Add to that the fact my mind is neither sharp nor intelligent in matters related to my profession. Most of the time I am the follower of instructions and therefore the treatment given to me is like that. I can see the contrast between what I would wish to be and what I am. However I find it impossible to cross the divide for which the main obstacle or reason is my absolute lack of interest. The wish or desire to be successful is that of my ego, but my life does not support it. I find is impossible to read journals, books, material pertaining to the profession and absorb the contents. They seem so lifeless and boring that my mind cannot concentrate. I find it amazing that I have survived here for two decades. I entered this profession because it was the best road to earn loads of money and to my teenage mind money was all that mattered. During my entire lifetime until a couple of years ago money was the prime object of my desire. Always it has eluded me. Always. I have reached the conclusion that try as I might, my cash pipeline is narrow, it is a manufacturing defect and there is nothing that I can do to change this. It is more likely to be a manufacturer’s intent that is a result of my karma and for that I am grateful. However once this realization set in that money and me are not made for each other, the driving force zeal and enthusiasm for being in this profession has evaporated.
Then can I say with authority and confidence that the need to earn money is no more there in me? False. My money needs have decreased substantially but it has not gone away. I still continue to work with the sole objective to earn money because I need the money to buy a house, to pay for my food clothing and time-pass, to invest in my retirement funds and to donate to charity. I wish to come out of this vicious mental block and be able to relinquish the need to earn but so for I have not been successful. Therein lays the dichotomy of my life. I am comfortable in my quite simple and single life, in contemplation and meditation, in reading and cycling, to use one word in the life of a hermit. But still the need for money persists. I don’t understand how people renounce the material world and take up sanyasa and I find myself unable to do so. I don’t know yet how to life without having to earn and I am searching. The more I remain in this mode, the more removed I am going to become from my profession and the more difficult it is going to be for me to earn money. Will I ever be able to break the shackles and set myself free from this bondage? That once again brings me back to the question, what am I supposed to do with myself?
A very interesting story in the life of Peter Drucker, when he was thirteen a teacher asked him what he wanted to be remembered for. When at a ripe old age of eighty Peter Drucker was still trying to answer that question, “Because it pushes you to see yourself as a different person – the person you can become”.
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