CHANGING COMPLICATIONS

The other day, as I was signing the financial statements of a client, the officer sitting in front of me burst out remarking, “You are a very ambitious man and also a very complicated one.” I stared at him and he continued that my signature seems to suggest that I was ambitious and complicated at the same time. I nodded and smiled but refrained from opening my mouth. After they all left I wondered at the ordinary remark. It was causing extraordinary disturbance. I knew that I was complicated but the ambitious adjective sounded false. How could I accept it when I prided myself as a person completely disinterested in money? Now doubts crept in.

Am I ambitious? How? By what parameters do I become so? What is the real complication in me? Why are these facts hidden from me when it is so apparent through my signature? Of course the thought did cross my mind that the officer could be an idiot and must have just uttered some nonsense to ignite conversation. But then I had never met him before and he had no justifiable intentions to cause me harm. It looked more like he was simply expressing something which he had observed as a reality. So I went on questioning myself in utter disbelief.

Slowly over the next few days I unraveled the mystery to uncover some essential truths about myself which ultimately brought in some peace.

No doubt since the past few years the charm of earning money and wealth has lost its intensity on me. But then ambition is not merely about money alone. At the bottom of my heart I still do crave for name, fame, appreciation, praise, sex and love. My day dreams are mostly about such ambitions with a pretty lot of activities ranging from work to leisure.  In all my day dreams I am always the seeker but very soon I laugh at my dreams, chiding my flights of fancy. I wring the neck of my dreams, now if that isn’t a complicated personality. I strangulate my ambitions with the justification that they are not meant to come true but the silent existence of the ambition inside my heart I have never questioned till date. If my conviction were to be so strong then these ambitions should never have survived in the very first place. I am floored; there is no answer to that and therefore now even the money matter claims come under a cloud. Besides, the clandestine presence of the ego does nothing to simplify the issue. The ego rises its head time and again especially to assert that I deserve or don’t deserve this and that. Thus, while I generally loathe the overall kind of life that I am leading, I find that I am still rolling in its distinctive corners enjoying myself.

Well that is not the end of the problem. On the one hand while I continue to entertain silly but worldly ambitions, on the other hand I am becoming more and more interested in the altruistic way of living. This is a complication that I am living through as a change that I can feel and experience. In this regard a few realisations have stuck to my heart. They came in one by one, for the first time many years ago and since then repeatedly many times and again recently through some books. One can very well say that they have been implanted and yet they seem so natural to my heart, so comforting. 

One, the illusions that we create and play out in everyday life so seriously amounts to nothing at all in the end. In the long run there is no such thing as good or bad, success or failure, big or small, white or black or even multi-colors. At the moment of the event it looks most important but from the very next moment, its importance starts to diminish until over time becomes zero. Some events take a negative value and sometimes the facts of the story changes to become a myth. For instance today religion is full of such supernatural myths which many thousand years ago would have been a popular history with some magic but atleast near to natural or normal, which again still earlier would have been actual events but with very different and ordinary facts. Then again while every living person has a personal story, for some reason known only to nature, only a rare few survive the test of time and value. Most fade out. Cities decay and die, places of worship and other structures crumble and fall, kingdoms vanish into the air, events of art and adventure are surpassed and forgotten, fashion and jewelry change with the winds, shape and size of life forms dissolve without any trace, relationships and sacrifice are also lost in time.  Change is the cornerstone of life, impermanence is its only structure and to survive is the sole objective.

Second, to survive is the only objective of living. Each life form on this planet essentially wants to survive this moment and the next, as simple as that. To survive this moment it has to eat and rest. For this it has to earn its food, take up some activity, build up some relationships, keep itself fit, create a quiet little place for it to rejuvenate, entertain its mind and indulge in creativity. To survive the next moment it has to partake in sex and procreate. Apart from these, life has no other purpose. Lest somebody misunderstands, I wish to reiterate that to survive is the objective of life meaning not only for humans but all life forms. Sadly other than humans, no other life form has taken life to mean anything more serious. I also find it funny that we humans have made life so complicated with the help of our mind which it was never meant to be. Basically the mind was never needed to survive but even with the use of the mind we have only crafted unhappiness for it.

Third, love is the only element binding everything around visible as well as invisible on this planet. The word ‘Love’ here is very symbolic and goes to denotes much more than mere affection and adoration. It includes such thoughts and also connotes a combination of caring, sharing, sacrificing, protecting, supporting, worshipping, pining, appreciating, and doting. Love means to have a very benevolent nature and attitude towards everything inside and outside. Love is the only way to live. To be less reactive and more grateful, it is the only rule that works.

Fourth, live your life in acceptance of your own inner calling, your own strengths and limitations, your own form and location. Everything that happens by itself and easily is the path of ones’ own soul and it could be either comfortable or difficult. A line borrowed from a famous writer, “It is better to commit mistakes on the path that ones’ soul is meant to walk on, than to live a perfect life on a path that is not meant for ones’ soul.”  Tough and pleasant times are only passing phases, and are mere perceptions. Live in acceptance of your fair share of circumstantial challenges, be honest and fair, facing bravely the good and the bad with similar strides and most important remaining unperturbed by both. Discharge your own obligations calmly without trying to influence and being influenced by the outside world.

In conclusion, experiencing a transformation generates confusion due to the dynamic fashion in which change is happening. Complication exists because the truth of yesterday in no more the complete truth today and is bound to become false tomorrow.