DESPAIR AND PAIN

One early morning, a young man, an complete stranger, stopped his two wheeler near me, during my walk, and with pleading eyes overwhelmed with vulnerability, without a word of introduction, blurted out his first question, “zindagi kya hai?” followed by his next question “zindagi kaisi jeeni chahiye”. I was taken aback. My first reaction to him was “what happened?” We got talking and then he explained that he has been feeling very low and upset over the past two months after his eldest didi died. He claims that she was killed by her in-laws and they picturized it as a suicide. She was married for four years and had a baby girl of two and half years. He had spoken to her on the day she died and she had not said anything untoward. His contention is that she wasn’t the kind who would kill herself but there is absolutely no evidence against her in-laws that they ill-treated her in any manner. Her in-laws are rich and can afford to pack the police. Their neighbors too aren’t willing to say anything against them. He had tried to find some proof but after the police had closed the case there was no recourse whatsoever. The despair in his eyes, the pain and the helplessness, made me cringe inside.

It reminded me of my similar state of mind a few decades ago. A mother had died, in front of her husband and children, unloved and uncherished. They pass away unable to bear the torture, but their close ones who remain behind suffer untold trauma. To come to terms with the reality of the loss takes its toll in terms of number of years down the drain, and one has to live with an unshakable shadow of guilt and a psychological vacuum as well. Questions crop up which will always remain unanswered. The pain inside becomes numb but never goes away. It remains alive and you can feel its contours everytime you sit alone quietly by yourself.

The subject matter of this piece isn’t someone’s death. Rather it is about the feeling of desperation, the accompanying pain and the crying search for a helping hand to get out from the sinking quicksand. All living creatures go through pain; some lose out while some survive. Even the basic process of survival when seen from the angle of feeding is accompanied with pain. For instance, the food chain defines the victors and the vanquished. Gautama Buddha stated that pain and sufferings are inevitable. While he went on to elucidate a way out of the worldly pain, presently let us throw some revealing light on how to deal with pain.

Ask for help. It is absolutely fine to ask for help. Like this young man above who simply poured out to a stranger. It is not expected that others would be able to resolve your matters, and maybe not everyone can be expected to be able to deal effectively with a person in pain. However the act of expressing ones inner pain itself acts as a soothing balm. The unburdening of the heaviness of the mind in front of someone, who is just simply willing to listen, is more than enough. An outlet is required for the rancid thoughts inside, and the mind becomes capable of healing itself.    

Remain calm and equanimous. A balanced approach to the matter is essential. The wise ones say that one shouldn’t go into extreme displays of emotions both during joy and sorrow because these are merely temporary. They pass and life goes on with its new set of ups and downs. Overreacting only serves to accentuate the pain, both in times of joy and sorrow. Dramatizing your personal pain could lead to other complications like souring of relationships with others.

Acknowledge. Accept the existence of the pain and deal with it. See it, feel it and it will slowly lose its intensity. Do not ignore it. The emotion of pain inside is seeking an expression, it wants to be addressed, it is searching for a relief, a cure. Disregarding or snubbing the pain would only make it fester and turn malignant. Turning a controllable grievance into an uncontrollable demon will cause more harm in the long run.  

Change the perspective. The perception which we hold in our minds, our belief systems, our faith parameters, related to our life priorities, our concepts of living, the way in which we approach life, carries a significant lot of importance. They can block or unblock our life. They can make us adamant or obstinate on certain matters and relaxed and fluid on other matters. Pain and despair are signs of mental or psychological blockages. The level of acceptance is low because we cannot agree with the present reality of our life as it has turned out.  A slight change in perspective goes a long way to settle down the rising waves of despair.

Be positive.  Nature is transient. It is changing constantly. It is wise not to take life too seriously. Customs, beliefs, practices, knowledge keeps changing. What was considered sacrosanct a few decades ago becomes a joke later, for instance once upon a time the Earth was considered flat by the westerners. Pain is a hurting feel of loss. It arises when there is a sudden change and it could arise due to several factors. But when change itself is inescapable, it is rather negative to hold on to it. Accepting the change and moving on is positive. A positive mindset heals the pain quicker.  

Pleasantness of mind. A pleasant disposition helps to overcome and face the suddenness of changes that take place around us. A calm temperament, an easily laughing character, a constantly smiling face, a personality that sees the bright side of every issue, can get over obstacles much faster than others.  Survivors are always those who adjust with the reality. Meditation helps in achieving this.  

Seek expert advice. Not everybody is equipped to deal effectively with pain. Some internal constitutions are weak and those persons do get overwhelmed by the situation of pain. In such circumstances it is better to seek the help and advice of experts.