“So what is it that you want Bo? It seems that you enjoy being in the confused state permanently, and more than that maybe you enjoy giving pain to others”, Mr. S was exasperated. He had heard Bo out and was angry at his foolishness. He was sure that Bo was timid and scared about what people would think about him.
“So you THINK that you are a sadhu. What kind of madness is this? You would make a fraud sadhu.” Mr. S continued. “Tell me, do you think about sex, do you think about making love to a women?”
“Yes, I do.” Bo’s replied without looking into the eyes of Mr. S.
“Then what the hell! I have heard of such sadhu’s who thinks of having sex with each and every women they come into contact with. And you know what kind of people they are, don’t you? If you continue to suppress your normal urge like this, then you will surely end up becoming one such sadhu.”
“Sadhu, my foot!” Mr. S wanted to avoid being harsh because he was certain that Bo was being honest about everything. Bo was uncertain about his own feelings and needed a support, a guiding hand which would place him on the right road. But he was also sure that in such circumstances, others can do very little. There is saying in this land, Aikave Janache, Karave Manache, ‘Listen to the world but do what your heart tells’. Bo would ultimately do whatever his heart dictates. However, at this moment it seemed that Bo was not sure of anything.
Mr. S was sitting in his office with Bo since over an hour, listening to his confusion. He visualized the circumstance in the life of Bo who is a small time businessman in his mid forties. Bo was unmarried and nursing a broken heart. Bo saw himself as a looser because, one the girl he loved had thrown him out of her life and second because inspite of all his hard work over the last two decades he hardly had saved any money. In the worldly sense for a man, the word success was spelt as ‘wife, children, property and bank balance’. Bo had none of these. Mr. S strongly felt that Bo was depressed and lacked self confidence. Bo was overwhelmed in self pity and could not accept and see a window of opportunity leading to happiness. Bo was a fool. Mr. S was convinced. But how could he help Bo to come out of his shell and move on in life. A wonderful event had unfolded in Bo’s life, a new girl had walked in, and here he was trying to run away from it. Foolish Bo! Stupid Bo! Mr. S screamed in his mind.
“Ok Bo, listen, tell me, have you met her?”
“Yes, just once.”
“And you talk to her every day!”
“Yes”
“Did you know her before? Did you come to know her through some relatives or friends?”
“No. She just contacted me out of the blue, through the internet”
“Ideally you should not have allowed such contacts to develop. How can you know someone over the internet?”
“Yes, I know that. But I have been talking to her for the past three months. She is a good person”
“So you do love her, don’t you?”
“Yes”
“Does she also love you?”
“Yes she does. She wants to marry me. She is about my age. She will be very happy if I am positive. But my heart is not permitting me. My mind is positive but somehow the green signal is not there.”
“Then Bo, listen to me, you marry her. You should get married. When you live in civil society, you have to follow the rules of society. Now-a-days people have live-in relationship where they live together without any marriage. Do it that way if you want to. Don’t worry about what other people will say. A partner in life is very important when you become old. Children are of no use. They go away one day. But if you have a life partner in the form of a spouse, your old age becomes less difficult. Believe me becoming a sadhu is not easy. Taking off your modern clothes and going to the jungle may sound easy, but what about food. Who will feed you? If you have the money only then you can buy food. For that you have to earn. If you want to be a sadhu, then why are you staying in society, working and earning money? I don’t think you have the courage to become a sadhu.”
“Yes, I don’t have the drive to become a sadhu as yet. But listen Mr. S, it is not about becoming a sadhu. I want to take up a spiritual quest. I want to lead a spiritual life.”
“Listen Bo, the choice is between two courses of action. One is where you abstain from physical pleasure and worldly ambitions. The other is where you become a part of it. You are unfortunately situated in the latter and thinking of the former. Your situation is not normal. You have to make a choice between the two.
“Yes Mr.S, I understand what you are saying. But I am unable to control my feelings. From my past experience I have learnt that I am cannot hold a relationship together. I am not meant for a committed relationship. I have also learnt that there is no real and permanent happiness in a committed relationship. Marriage creates responsibilities and expectations. Holding such an image to be a part of personal character or trying to live up to that image becomes an act filled with desperation and fear. Further I don’t want to take up any action out of fear, like fear of loneliness. I want my actions to be based on love for the universe, absolute freedom, openness of spirit and sacrifice of self. I do love her but marriage with her will hurt her in the long run when I won’t be able to live up to the image of a normal husband. I cannot love only one person when I love the universe. My spouse will only become a part of my universe and nothing special. It will be difficult for her to digest this. If I like to lead a life of austerity and sacrifice how can I expect her to do the same. Won’t that be cruel? However I am very confused about one thing. Why did she appear in my life all of a sudden? Nothing happens without a reason. I am unable to understand the reason.”
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